Round 1 (Match # 7) - Karan Virk vs. Ankur Singh

*) - The G.P.S. System

(#7 – Karan Virk)

Namaste Everybody! My name is G.P.S. A.K.A. Gurpreet Singh. I own one of the largest Immigration Consultancy Company in India with its offices operating across 27 states. The story I’m about to serve you is full of greed, betrayal, envy, treachery and it has been prepared in a Hawkins cooker. The story begins when Indian embassy organized a contest where India’s dominant Immigration Companies were given a task i.e. to send the maximum percentage of Indians in foreign countries; the company with the highest completed target was crowned the winner and its owner was given a lifetime opportunity to join the ‘Platinum Embassy Squad’ consisting of embassy leaders from all over the world. Those were dark and painful days and the competition took a dangerous turn when I was pitted against my former protégé Dhanush Talwar, 99^th son of Mr. XXXXXXXX Talwar (a Vijay Mallya type tycoon). It was the final round between me and Talwar as we both had won equal territories and it was the final week of the tournament in Delhi where one of us was going to be crowned the winner. What a bloody week that was! That was the week when Amul (Famous Co. of dairy products) was convicted in court for using child urine in their products, and it was the week when India’s top most scientist Prof. Padma Bhushan created a machine called, ‘G.P.S.’ which calculated the total time it would take for Indian population to completely deplete India out of its natural and artificial resources. Now, let’s see how I won this tournament by Kamehameha-ing my opponent DBZ style.

Monday

Days until final showdown between G.P.S. and Talwar – 4

“Listen Up People! Jaisa ki aap sab log jaante hain ki mere aur Talwar ke competition ke sirf 4 din baaki hain. Competition ki judgment Friday ko honi hai par judges kabhi bhi apna mindset change kar ke kisi bhi waqt mujhe aur Talwar ko apne immigration targets compare karne bula sakte hain. Aur mujhe poora bharosa hai ki iss office mein Gangs of Wasseypur type kaafi kamine baithe honge, meri information churane ke liye…….”

Iss se pehle ki G.P.S. apni baat poori kar paate, unke peeche baitha ek employee cheek utha:

“This is cheating Sir and being an Indian citizen it’s my foremost duty to oblige Anna Hazare’s eternal words and proclaim that I will not tolerate this utter nonsense. I am a MBA major from Dehradun and in dire situations I tend to imitate WWE wrestlers by grabbing my opponent’s head and locking them in a tight headlock. Not just that when someone challenges me awakening the commando inside I become compelled to do su – su on the surrounding wall….And it seems I am going to have to pee on the wall right next to your office. Geeeeeeeee Peeeeeeeeeeeee…….Suck it. Bhak!”

 G.P.S. – Bhak? What the F@!k! Niklo mere office se warna tumhari pant mein Street Fighter waala Shoryuken blast kar dunga…Wo neele waala. Bhak, get out.

And this is how I fired all of my workers. Let’s move on with the story.G.P.S. ke staff ke jaate hi Bajrangi  Pehelvaan immigration office mein enter kar gaye.

Bajrangi – G.P.S. Sir, main Bajrangi!

G.P.S. – Accha, haan wo Chacha Chaudhary Comics waale. Par tum to Comics mein the phir bahar kaise aa gaye. Koi Shaktimaan type powers ki invention ho gayi hai kya?

Bajrangi – Arre, nahi Sir main to….Ahm!..mera matlab wo Bajrangi Pehelvaan to Billu ki comics mein aata tha. Myself Bajrangi, CEO of Kathor Das Akhada. Ab kya batayein Sir, aapko to Kushti aur Pehelvaani ke Akhadon ka hisaab pata hi hai. Sab ye Gyms ki sangat hai. Mere Chacha Pehelvaan Babu Laal Murandi parson exercise karne akhade mein pahunche to dekha ek 15 saal ka ladka wahan steroid ka injection laga raha tha. Chacha Ji thehre Baba Sehgal Fan, unhone uss se injection cheena aur lage akhada culture ki teaching dene. Itne mein ladke ne apne kapde utare aur underwear mein akhade mein Mowgli waali jumps maarne laga. Chacha Ji jaise – taise hosh sambhale Baba Sehgal, Bally Sagoo, and Alisha Chinoy ke gaane gaa kar use door bhagane lage. Phir to ladke ne paasa hi palat diya Chacha Ji ki taraf aaya aur bola, “196 to 619. Uh, Bookaya – Booyaka. Uh, Bazooka. Meri chaddi par bandhe hain golden naale aur uspar lage hain pink sitaare. Main hun Punkeyon ka Punk. Oh Uncle! I am a Rajpal Yadav type hunk.” Tab se Babu Laal Murandi coma mein hain.

G.P.S. – Chalo, tum yeh suno ki tumhara U.S. ka visa lag gaya hai par aisa hai wahan se WWE, TNA aur Ring of Honor waali corporations se tumhe work offer nahi mila hai. Wahan ek new wrestling franchise aayi hai Tutpunjiya Limited, wo tumhe accept kar legi.

Bajrangi U.S.A. pahuncha aur Tutpunjiya Limited mein apna pehla match ladne ring ki taraf badhne laga. Technical Crew ne uski guzarish par Mika ka Saavan Mein Lag Gayi Aag uske entrance music par set kar diya tha. Ring mein pahunchte hi Saavan Mein Lag Gayi Aag ne use itna nostalgic kar diya ki wo bahar utra aur ring ke neeche jo store room hota hai wahan se ek flame thrower utha kar apne opponent ko hi aag laga di.

Bajrangi – Yo…Pump it Mika…Saavan mein Ahan…Aur Kakayon yeh Ram Gopal Varma ki nahi, Bajrangi ki internal aag hai jisse wo apne Akhade ki destruction ke baad har aur laga dega.

Dekhte hi dekhte Bajrangi ne poora stadium aag mein dhak diya. Bajrangi ko multiple homicide ke liye arrest kar liya gaya. Arrest hote huye news reporter Bajrangi se us ki modus operandi poochne lage.

Bajrangi – I am the victim of the system. Your American gym culture took over my country like a virus. This is a sweet revenge for the entire out of work pehelvaans. Thanks to G.P.S. system and Mikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa for providing me this opporunity!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bajrangi’s interview became an internet sensation in India, filling my office with thousands of clients. My son, I.S.V. who worked for Indian embassy got the decision for the results before the final showdown and Talwar had won the competition by a large margin. So, I.S.V. quickly changed the results. Now let’s see the result day.

Announcer – Dosto pesh karte hain humare Immigration Championship ke special award presenter India ke famous horror icons, Ramsay Brothers.

Tulsi Ramsay – Namaste Audience. Mera naam Tulsi Ramsay hai. Tension na lein main Kyunki Saans Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi waali Tulsi nahi balki uska male version Tulsa ka Boota hun, mera matlab mera sirf naam Tulsi hai jaise mere bhai ka naam Shyam hai. Jab se humari Zee Horror Show aur B-Grade Horror films ki fan following khatam huyi hai tab se poora Ramsay Production House ka bamboo baith gaya hai. Isliye aaj yahan ek tamboo lagaya hai taki aap sab wahan jaa kar apna murder karwa sakein. To yeh Snuff film bana kar hum phir se popular ho sakenge. Haan to kaun yahan khud ko Akshay Kumar ki adopted aulaad samjhata hai, to jaayo tent mein aur karo humare rented killers ke saath muqabla…Phir dekhene tumhare pichwade mein se bhukamp nikalta hai ya intestines ka guccha. Back to you announcer.

Announcer – And the winner is………

Iss se pehle ki Announcer kuch keh paata, I.S.V. joki kaafi der se stage par apne haath mein acid ki bottle liye G.P.S. ki taraf badhne laga. Iss se pehle ki wo darr se jad ho chuke G.P.S. par acid phaink paata, Dhanush Talwar ne apne chehre ko G.P.S. ki dhal bana, acid ka vaar she liya. I.P.S. ne announcer se mike cheena aur apni shirt utar audience ki disha mein dekhne laga.

I.P.S. – Look at me. Look at these marks on my skin caused by the constant doses of heroin injections. But this is not due to heroin. It’s the society’s fault. I have been f@#*ed by this society. I have been f@#*ed by my daddy. He…The Great G.P.S. is a messiah to all you wannabe N.R.I.’s. He wants to join the Platinum Embassy…Well screw it. I have worked my arse off to get invited into the platinum league but was never called. The reason was they could not understand me. Nobody understood me. Why was that? Am I a rat? Do I squeak like a rat? The so called Platinum Embassy looked at me like I was some sort of clown. I needed to sing and dance for their amusement while my father and his boy Dhanush Talwar were competing to become part of an embassy suffering with god like complex. Get away you bastard (pointing towards the announcer who was coming forward to stop I.S.V.). Don’t make my bite your eyeballs out. 

My son, I.S.V. had literally hit rock bottom. His insane nature due to years of neglect and loneliness was out. He took a gun out of his pocket and committed suicide. The G.P.S. system had failed. Talwar got to join Platinum Embassy on my request because I knew he was the better candidate and a better man. I, well here I am telling my story before I too join my son in heaven. Life is full of joys…Huh…No matter how life starts, it all ends with a BANG………….

The End!

Author Notes:

Friends, this work of fiction written in a satirical – comedic tone represents a portion of India. The aim here is to show the dark side of Immigration consultants in India who for a promise of Permanent Resident Status/Green Card in foreign countries ruin a lot of naïve Indians’ lives. The characters act idiotic, stupid, and psychotic at several parts of the story but that was the main aim. Human nature is extremely complex and dynamic. It can change anytime. So, hopefully through this story I was able to bring the seedy side of Immigration system and also create some nostalgic moments which highlight Indian culture. SAVE WRESTLING IN OLYMPICS! 

Rating – 73/100

Judge’s Comment - I think this is pretty awesome, many little lessons in it. Very well written. But I had to reread few dialogues to understand I am not criticizing you just pointing out that your stuff is ahead of its time and needs good explanation to convey it to people work on it. As an Indian I also want that Wrestling should not be removed from Olympics.

*) - death is true (article)

(# 58 Ankur Singh)

yeh duniya ek gole hai aur isme ek hole hai ... hole yeh ki jo paida hoga ek din jarur jayega .. sabhi gaye hai .. raaja maha
raja .. yaha tak khud bhagwan ko bhi apne sharir ka tyag karna pada hai .. isiliye ek kahawat bani hai aaya hai so jayega raja rank fakir
koi hathi chah chal raha,koi bana janjir
jindagi :- ek aurat ke garbh dharan karne ka arth hota hai ki uske andar ek jeev panap raha hai .. yani ek jindagi .. jo bahar aakar khelegi kudegi muskurayegi ... aur apni jindagi ko sarthak banayegi
maut :- maut hi duniya ka sabse kadwa satya hai .. kahte hai ki jo bhi janm liya hai .. uski aayu nischit hai .. usey ek na
ek in jana hi hoga .. phir wo chahe raja ho ya rank .. insan o bhagwan .. sabhi apne karmo ka fal bhog kar jate hai
maut ke apne tarike hai jaise ki sharir budhe hone par sath chor deti hai kyoki wo kamjor ho jati hai ..
maine 3 din me 2 maute dekhi hai .. 11 june 2013 ko meri daai .. aur 13 jun 2013 ko maine apna mama kho diya .. wo mujhse kahi dur chale gaye hai

After Death :- kisi ke jane ke baad jo chij hume sabse jyada touch karti hai wo hai yaadein ... jo us insan dwara hame sath sajha kiye gaye hote hai .. kai baar lagta hai ki wo yahi kahi hai .. yah abhi ghoom kar aa jayenge .. ya kai baar lagta hai ki abhi to ache khase lete huye they .. bas abhi bol denge .. unki awaj sunne ko taras jate hai .. wo pyar wo apnapan kahi kho jata hai .. kisi vastu ki keemat unke aane se pahle aur kisi insan ki keemat uske jaane ke baad malum padti hai .. us gujre huye insan ke hasin lamhe jab samne aate hai to bhavnaye umad padti hai lagta hai kahi se wo aa jaye aur hum unhe ek baar aur dekh le unse baante kar le .. unhe yaad kar barbas ro lete hai .. unhe jagah jagah talashne ki koshish karte hai ... yaadon me sapno me ..
chah kar bhi unki yaadein hamara sath nahi chor pati hai .. unke jane ke baad ghar me aur dil me ak khali pan aa jata hai .. lagta hai sab khatam ho gaya hai .. kuch nhi bacha hai .. jeene ki ichha aur kuch karne ka jajba achanak kahi dafan ho jata hai .. tab hame jarurat hoti hai .. logo ki .. unke sahanoobhooti ki .. unke sahare ki .. taki hamari jindagi phir se waise hi chal sake .. jaise pahle thi .. kisi insan ki kami hamesha rahegi .. aur us kami ke sath ant tak jeena hota hai
india me kuch riti riwaj hote hai jo apnaye jate hai .. jaise muslim aur isai dharm ke log apne priyajano ko jamin ke andar rakhte hai wahi hindu .. dharm ke log .. unhe jalakar mitti me milakar unhe ganga nadi ke hawale kar dete hai .. kitni ajeeb baat lagti hai na .. jis insan hame jamin par chalna sikhaya .. hum usi ko 4 kandho par utha ke le jate hai .. jisne hamara hamesha sath diya hota hai .. hum usi ka sath chor dete hai .. jiske sahare hum apni jindagi jeete hai .. usey hi besahara akele jane dete hai .. jo insan hame mitti se nikalta hai .. hum hi usey mitti me mila dete hai .. kitni ajeb vidambana hai

phir 13 din tak ghar me riti riwaj se kaam chalta hai .. apne priyajan ki shanti ke liye .. taki wo khush rahe .. aur hume apna asheesh de .. har saal pind daan , shradhanjali ke mrity bhoj har saal .. yeh ek tarika hai apne priya jan ko yaad karne ka ... jo humse bahut door ho gaye hai
the end

Rating – 18/100

Judge’s Comment - My sincere condolences, and I wish you and your family a lot of strength. 

Result – Winner of the match by 55 Points is Karan Virk who storms into final 32 round and Ankur Singh is assigned to Parallel League. 

Judge - Kshitij Dhyani (Author, Artist and Musician)