Monday, June 24, 2013

Round 2 (Match # 3) - Priyashrav Bharadwaj vs. Srishti Yash Mudaliar

*) - The Beginning 

(Priyasharv Bharadwaj)
This is a poem describing a deceased person's fascination with the entity of Death which manifests in the form of love for her(in a morbid way). All the time while writing this,I had Neil Gaiman's character Death (of Endless) in mind. 


For all it ends with a fleeting flash,
A bolt of lightning leaps from above,
To release the supernal soul,
Bound by the mortal manacles,
As it leaves behind cries and moans,
Regrets for all the words unspoken,
Lament for all the rankling spewed.

And yet a sight so unlike,
Welcomed me as I advanced,
A shadow embracing me tenderly,
As she whispered sweet nothings,
And like a long lost lover,
She reached out and touched,
A heart buried beneath the rubbles.

All I saw was a flickering shade,
Devoid of all features and miens,
Yet the stolid visage,
Could not but enshroud,
A smidgen of clemency,
A pinch of her amour,
Evident in her cryptic gloom.

I sensed the scathing agony,
Which the shadows concealed,
She stifled her lenity,
She trammeled her drive,
Bound by the abyssal edicts,
She summoned forth her fading faith,
Bracing for her devious devoir.

She lured me through the murk,
And enticed in her beguiles,
I paced through the trails,
Leading to her ravaged realms,
Oblivious to the ordeals beyond,
Unflustered by the blighted skulls,
Adorning all her accursed aisles.

For all it ends with pain,
Demons from the past,
Shiftily emerge from behind,
And haunt for a time at last,
But nothing ended for me at all,
Only a hopeful jaunt embarked upon,
The end of which is yet afar.

Rating - 64/100

Judge's Comment

First of all, I love your word choice I had lots of fun looking up a few that I'm not used to seeing so much together, and I found the words (like beguiles, abyssal, lenity, stolid, and devoir) enlightening! The theme of the poem seems to be death (and maybe rebirth, because that one's always in tow with the other) aaaand I'm thinking love and loss of love? I am not sure what to say about the shadow that is likened to a woman. She could mean a lot of things. She could be death, for all I know, and that's what leads me to think of Death and the Maiden, in which death is dancing with a woman... However, "But nothing ended for me at all, / Only a hopeful jaunt embarked upon, / The end is yet afar." So that's a bit confusing over all. I do love how you illustrated the shadow, the flickering shade.

Unless the narrator of the poem is in endless torment, then I grant you that it does seem that way o_o Without death and only pain... and death still looming. I do wish that there had been an author's note to annotate what you were trying to say. That would've made matters more fun to delve into.

*) - A Sonnet: To a Husband from a Wife

By Ms. Srishti Mudaliar

Every night you drive my carriage somewhere, nowhere,                              a
Amidst the chasing sprites and the winds ever famished,                              b

You then hand me out on a road pitch black, unblemished,                          b

And we follow the glowworms to tap round the flowers bare.                     a

The bright moon-beams upon a clear stream alongside glisten,                      c

And the stars sparkle in the calm, clear, merry, navy blue sky,                      d

Between them is our shikara and are candles and is music shy,                    d

And only you and I to this unsung merry note can sing and listen.               c

Since the day you stole me from my home and myself and brought me,       e

To this unknown not so suffocating city, called my new home,                    f

In this little house and its little room fixed not so commodiously,                g

Every morning when I wake up for a day ahead, not so wholesome,                        f

This dream of mine breaks up into fragments and then again it I see,           e

Reunites besides me, on you and I live it again, not so vicariously.               g

I present an Italo-Shakespearean (rhymes differ in the 2nd half of the octate unlike in pure Italian sonnet) Sonnet, a fourteen liner (with rhyme scheme abba cddc efg feg of single rhymes) in which a wife tells her husband how large is the rift between the world of her dreams and the reality of the city life she lives (after Volta), yet she’s happy and as long as her husband is with her. Though her husband cannot bring all the beauty and the riches of her dream at her feet, it’s only his presence that is enough to make her as happy and contented as these beautiful luxuries would’ve made.

Rating - 67/100 

Judge's Comment -  

It is interesting how your language changes from the beginning of the poem to the end. From driving one's carriage somewhere, nowhere (love how you opened the poem, seems a bit sad, though, that somewhere could be nowhere ^^") to being in a not so suffocating city. You could've kept the symbolism going through that instead of telling us flat out that you were in a city... and allowed us to feel the not so suffocating feel of it (perhaps a forest of buildings - or iron giants, haha - to compare to the chasing sprites and winds ever famished and the glowworms to tap around the flowers bare).

I do, however, adore how you kept with the idea in your author's note So I suppose that the change of language goes with the idea of leaving the world of her dreams to coincide with the reality of city life. They both share dreams, right? As for the husband and wife, I LOVE HOW THEY GOT MARRIED and how they're living life together (the love the narrator feels - her dreams becoming fragments and reuniting on him, as him!!!^^!!!) - for what they need and not all they want :B The last two lines are wonderful, too.
This was very straightforward and delightful to understand And I LOVE HOW YOU INCLUDED A RHYME SCHEME, even if it wasn't all that necessary xD

Result - Srishti Yash Mudaliar wins the match (Congratulations!!) & becomes first participant to enter Round 3.  Priyasharv Bharadwaj is eliminated from the Championship. Freelance Talents Team Thanks  Priyashrav for amazing article (Round 1) and poem (Round 2). 

Judge - Melina Dina aka Melibee (Author, Artist & Graphic Designer - Texas, USA)

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